Today, the internet is a-buzz with a story everyone saw coming from a mile away. Wait, no, less than a mile away. How about from six inches away? Kim Kardashian is rumored to want out from her marriage of less than two months to rap superstar Kanye West. The reason? He’s apparently turned her into a vapid, soulless robot. I know what you’re thinking: “HAHAHA WHAT?? Wasn’t she already a vapid, soulless robot woman?” Yes, you’re right, she has always been a plastic android person but now she’s learning how to recognize her feelings and is ushering in a new era of smart robotics.
According to a source:
“Kim has totally morphed into the person that Kanye envisioned her to be,” the insider said.
“She’s changed. From demanding Kim overhaul her wardrobe, to forcing her to hang out with his friends, Kanye has just completely taken over her life. Kim doesn’t have any interests of her own that Kanye doesn’t approve of.”
“He constantly scrutinizes Kim, and she’s constantly walking on eggshells around him,” the source claimed. “She begins every sentence with ‘Kanye thinks so and so,’ and ‘Kanye wants this and that.’”
“She tells everyone how happy she is with Kanye,” the source said. “But if that’s true, why does she look so sad all the time?”
You want to know why Kim looks so sad all the time? Because the woman is always swaddled in no less than 45 pairs of Spanx which are then wrapped in Space Saver bags and attached to a vacuum. Kim hasn’t had a deep breath or eaten off the regular Katsuya menu since 2004. You can tell by looking at her that if she eats more than two bites of a boiled, unsalted chicken breast her entire mummified body will unravel into a pool of bronze Gak.
While there’s definitely some potential validity to this story methinks the entire Kardashian Klan has masterfully planned this bit of gossip to coincide with the release of her iPhone game. Which, by the way, has already made $85 million dollars. To be honest, I’m not sure what the game is called and I have zero interest in doing a five second Google search to find out what it’s called. From following her on Instagram (shut up, you know you follow her, too) I’ve gleaned that the game is some sort of paper doll type dress up application. Why? Because those Kardashian Kmart Kollection klothes aren’t going to sell themselves.
If those story turns out to be true, that’s sad. Divorce is never fun. And I can’t fathom how horrible it would be to go through a divorce from Kanye West. But then again, I can’t fathom how horrible it would be to go through a marriage to Kanye West.
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