You’re a Grown Up Now!: A Guide to Becoming an Adult by Wearing Forever 21, Crying at Work, Sleeping Past Noon, and Hooking Up with Inappropriate People

Sloane | June 23, 2014

Almost daily I receive one of those “How To Change Your Life By Age 30″ and every day, like a sucker, I click them and try to see how I stack up. Midway through the list I realize that I am a useless girl-child who never learned how to balance a checkbook or gauge her tire pressure before said tire explodes on the highway at 78 mph. Those lists make me feel depressed, worthless, and totally unfit to be seen in human society. Actually I’d be just as worthless in chimpanzee society because at least they know how to use rudimentary tools while I recently was rushed to the ER after drilling through my own thumb. I’m not good at being an adult. I sleep too late, I eat too much fast food, I spend an excessive amount on beauty products that I end up giving away to people, and I spend at least $50 a week on lottery scratch off tickets. 

On top of that, when I look in the mirror I no longer see a young girl, cheeks pink with the first flush of youth. Instead I see an old, withered woman with deep-set wrinkles and mysterious wiry hairs poking out of new moles not unlike a forest witch. My giant breasts, once prized for their size and perkiness now droop like the face of a stroke victim covered in melted candle wax. Things that were once high and tight are now low and loose. It’s like watching a time-lapse video of a rotting animal. Except hairier.


 I woke up like this. #flawless

To cheer myself up from the horror show that is my quickly unraveling body, I decided to Google “things every 20-something should accomplish”. I thought, hey, my body is failing me but I’ve got my shit together. I’m at a desk, in an office, at a company AND I have a bank account! Sadly, as I poured over the list I came to the startling conclusion that I am an all-around human turd/failure of a person with no hope for a better life. Here are a few of the things Google thinks I should have accomplished by my late twenties:

  • Learn to Maintain Your Body
  • Learn to Dress Well
  • Start to Accumulate Wealth
  • Find Work That You Love Doing
  • Get The Body that You Always Dreamed Of Having
  • Learn to Keep Up With Current Events
  • Clearly Outline Your Life Goals
  • Choose an Appropriate Romantic Partner 
  • Get Out of Debt
  • Get Your Own Place
  • Support Yourself


HAHAHA what??! I have literally done zero of those things. I don’t even know how half those things are even possible. I think we should all stop giving a fuck about those lists because you’re going to fall short because no one except Beyonce can make those things happen before the age of 30. Instead, I suggest we all adopt my revised list which is much more realistic and attainable:


  • Learn to Maintain Your Body (by eating half-baked Funfetti cake out of a trashcan while crying)
  • Learn to Dress Well (by shopping at discount teen clothing stores where everything is made of rayon and the sweat of Chinese babies)
  • Start to Accumulate Wealth (by transferring all $32.36 of your savings account into your checking account when you get an overdraft notification email)
  • Find Work That You Love Doing (or really just find any job you can because holy fuck that philosophy degree was a seriously misguided idea)
  • Get The Body that You Always Dreamed Of Having (by never eating again and also inventing a time machine and going back in time to age 16)
  • Learn to Keep Up With Current Events (by learning about one current event via Wikipedia and then bringing it up whenever possible to look smart in front of real adults)
  • Clearly Outline Your Life Goals (by first having a life goal…any life goal)
  • Choose an Appropriate Romantic Partner (by sending titty pics through Snapchat and drunk messaging men in your area on Tinder at 3 a.m.)
  • Get Out Of Debt (by asking your parents for money and then never having any intention of actually paying them back)
  • Get Your Own Place (by ending up in solitary confinement because hey, three hots and a cot)
  • Support Yourself (by placing at-home massage ads on or shaming your parents into giving you more money by threatening to become an internet fetish sex worker)



 “Hey Mom. Yeah, my new job is going great! I get to make my own hours and work from home! I’m actually a little tied up right now. Can we talk later?”

See? That is the kinda list I can get behind. So I think we should all stop trying to grow up so fast. We have our entire lives to be responsible and not drunk and sloppy. That being said, I’m going to try to enter my late twenties as gracefully as possible. The ugly truth is that I’m not getting any younger. There’s no amount of sea-kelp infused virgin foreskin night repair cream that will reverse the signs of aging from my weathered face. I’m going to try a new approach to getting older. Instead of fearing the reaper I shall embrace him with my dry, scaly, dull skinned arms. Instead of pretending to have an offshore account with a separate bank I will proudly admit to the Wells Fargo teller that no, I don’t bank with anyone else, and yes, I only have $13 in my account and yes, I would like to make a withdrawal.  Sure my cable gets turned off from time to time and my parents keep trying to explain what Syria is to me but whatever. Current events are for your 30’s, savings accounts are for your 40’s, cat-print jeggings are for your 20’s and as far as I’m concerned, I’m Forever 21.

About the Author

Written by Sloane

Before joining, Sloane worked as a freelance writer and illustrator for a variety of clients. She attended University of Missouri where she majored in English. Her work has been published in literary magazines, newspapers, and textbooks. She currently resides in Miami, Florida. You can learn more about me on Google +

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